speaking bLONDely

Hey ma people! Its your boy el once again doing his thing here in blogsville. How’ve ya’ll been? I’m a’ight. A little bored but, its cool. If only my ‘slow as a snail’ school managed to send some of our names to the NYSC in time, I’d probably be in some remote school in the north, doing whatever I wanna. Instead I’m stuck in this spot called home practicing house keeping. Infact, I’m guessing I’ll make a better housewife than some females right now!! I even ended up going back to my true first love....and it's not Linda or Ann or any dazzling female(wish it was anyway!!)....designing. I used to design cards, business logos, web pages, and the like as a hobby.Did some business cards for 2 REAL companies! Cool HUH?? Anyway, I was just going over random web addresses and came across the usual blonde jokes. These ones really got me laughing and I just wanted to share it with you. But what’s really with dumb blonde’s…I mean, blondes! Are they really naturally dumb or is there something I’m not getting, as I’ve never related with one. Please let me know. Enjoy.

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."

"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"

"No I'm a blonde", she replies.

"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all

these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,

so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are

smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is

going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets

down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and

smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living

room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at

the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks

what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him

that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by

painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket

over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the

directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take

the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

For more just type in 'blonde jokes' in any search engine 'voile', u'll be surprised at the number of hits u'll get. Remember, any reason as to why blondes are percieved as dumb?...holla back at me. Later.

Saving A Life

Me and my long stories sef!!


You know those movies with a story line that has a person, usually female, in some kind of trouble, and then someone, usually a male, unexpectedly comes to the scene and saves that female in danger? I remember them. Infact I can even list some right now….maybe later. I better get back to this post before I diverge. I’m used to doing that a lot. I could be saying something one minute, and the next I’m saying something else. Like once, I was telling my friend about how I asked….Shit, I’M DOING IT AGAIN. Can we get back to saving a life please!!?


Eeeh, I know ya’ll are wondering, how the hell did my big head save someone. Well it did happen, and I’m gonna tell all about it.


Some weeks ago after church on Sunday, I was getting into my car to go home when someone called me a couple of times from afar. I didn’t know who he was. He had to come up to me and explain himself a bit before I recollected. He was from my confirmation class from way back. I tried to show some excitedness in seeing him again, cos he was beaming from ear to ear. We spoke briefly but with lots of enthuse since it had been a while. I later explained to him I was rushing off somewhere (na lie o!) and had to leave. He asked for my address, that he would like to come visit sometime. I hesitated at first, cos I noticed he was acting kinda funny: Always jerking like he was on something, laughing too hard when there wasn’t nothing funny, those kinds of reactions that keep you on the alert. So yeah, I hesitated about giving up my ad. But I thought to myself, why not, notin dey happen(na so tuface talk, mean while robbers don attack the poor boy twice!). So I gave it up. He said he would come around later in the week. No problem, right? Wrong.


And so I entered the week, going about my daily chores like any patriotic family member would. I guess I had forgotten I met Buchi at church the past Sunday cos I wasn’t really ready to see him when he called on Wednesday saying he was free now and was wondering if I was home. That’s me o. I have to prepare beforehand to host someone, even if its just a social call. And in preparing, I mean my state of mind and basically keep my system in the required mode. I assure everybody reading this, I’m ok o. Anyway, I wasn’t ready to see him but didn’t really want to put off the visit for another day cos something told me he won’t mind rescheduling 72 times over! So I said I was home that he could be on his way.


In about 45mins he got here, with that trademark smile of his. I couldn’t resist asking him why he was smiling so much, ceaselessly that is. He said he had “a very nice trip to my place”.


El: A very nice trip to my place??!!
Buchi: Yes my brother. A very nice trip.
El: But your house is just about 15mins away. Or are you coming from outside lagos or something?
Buchi: No o. Just that the journey was very comfortable. The bus I boarded had very comfortable seats. I really enjoyed the seats.I did.


Really enjoyed the seats, he said. I was beginning to have the feeling I was on candid camera or something, maybe to get my reaction to what he was saying. I took note of the distance between us. Something told me our discussion was not going to be about girls or football, or both.


From the fist 10mins of our talk, I gathered he schooled in Benin, studying Physics (I hate pure sciences) just got into his third year. Cool. We talked basically about school and every other adjoining gist. He now revisited stories from his school and how life could be so hard and frustrating there. I concurred, that things were the same in all Nigerian higher institutions. Then he went ahead to say that the case of frustration in his school was peculiar and was indeed unlike the way any other school was having it. I was about to respond when he dropped the bomb.


Buchi: I’ve not really told you the reason why I’m here today.
El: Reason??.....


I was right! This wasn’t just a social call. I waited patiently for the ‘reason’. But nothing on earth could prepare me for what he dropped in my lap.


Buchi: I’m really tired of the way thing are going for me.
El: Ummmm, what do you mean.
Buchi: I really don’t know. All I know is that I’m fed up of life in general. And I’m thinking of ending it.
El: As in, you want to pack up and retire to the village or something? (I laughed out loud. He kept a face more straight that a 30centimetre ruler. I stopped laughing.)


Buchi: I mean to stop living. I want to kill myself. I’ve thought it over and it’s the best line of action. I’m serious. I’ve thought over it. I just wanted to seek your opinion…….


Seek my opinion he says. He wants to seek my opinion to know if I share the idea of killing himself! He din’t want to seek my opinion about change of school, or about the shirt he was going to put on to an interview he was going to the next day. Naaah. He just wanted to seek my opinion about killing himself. I was waiting for that moment. The moment he would say “Just joking. You should have seen the look on your face, hahahaha”. But it never came. He just kept going on and on about it. Then something really scary happened. Really scary. I looked keenly at his face. Looked intently into his eyes. There was actually some amount of seriousness in what he was saying. What if he was actually serious about this killing business? I cut into his blabbing…


El: Buchi
Buchi: Yes?
El: Are you listening to yourself. You just said you’re planning on killing yourself. Take it back before something gets registered in the spiritual or something.


Omo, the guy no reply me o. He was just looking at me and nodding his head like an agama lizard. This young man had seeeeeeerious issues and God say make he come meet me. ME!!! Meeeeeen. I quickly did a overall summary in my head: Buchi had issues, lots of issues. He probably doesn’t have a lot of friends, He saw me at church on Sunday and decided to seek my opinion about killing himself. Okay. Fine. So…um…whut the fuck am I s’posed to do now??? I’m an engineer for God’s sake not a guidance and counseling consultant!! Lord, let this cup pass over me!!


After my short prayer session (I come dey bind and cast for mind, make the spirit wey dey the boy no enter me or rest for my house!), I took it from the top.


El: ….you’re serious?
Buchi: see eh….(he then lowers his voice for emphasis), I’m just sick and tired of what life is throwing at me, I can’t take all of it anymore, it just really….
El: wait wait, slow down. What exactly is happening. What’s worrying you. Problems at home?
Buchi: Home is fine.
El: your girlfriend? You guys having a bad time (I’ve seen guys go crazy from a breaking up wit their girlfriends).
Buchi: Girlfriend? I don’teven have one so that’s not a problem.
El: So what’s the problem…..


We both stay in silence for a something that seemed like a complete 4 to 5mins. I just let the silence linger. Finally he spoke up….


Buchi: Did you have problems at school?
El: School?
Buchi: As in don’t things bother you in school
El:….
Buchi: Sometimes I feel my head’s gonna explode. My courses are so rough and…..


This boy was really a nut case. Just school stuff was making him loose his mind? He then explained how ‘there is no future for this generation’ with the current state of things in the country, how ‘we all will go to hell if we don’t seek God’, and some other topics too mind boggling to commit to memory. He told me of how he usually takes time off in school and just sits somewhere he would ‘be alone and just think of what life was all about’!! This boy needed serious help. Meeeenn. He so came to the wrong person….or not.


I com start my own part of the talk.


El: First of all buchi, I think you think too damn much. How does Nigeria’s matter immediately concern you, how is it that…..


I can’t recall verbatim all what I said to him, but he took all my advice, taking it all in like a frightfully attentive student, nodding slowly and continuously with one of his palms supporting his chin….real shrink and patient stuff I tell you. At that point I began to think I was in the wrong profession!


He asked questions like.....


So you’re saying I shouldn’t kill myself?
You don’t think it’s a good idea?
Are will all going to hell fire?
I should leave tomorrow to take care of itself? (This one was asked after so many ways of explaining ‘tomorrow will take care of itself’. I wished I hadn’t introduced that!)


I hope ypu all get a picture of what I was dealing with.


Anyway at the end of our session, he agreed completely with me. He thanked me so much for ‘all what I had done for him’. Understandably so, I mean, I did stop him from taking his life! By now it was like past 8 in the evening. That was how he left.


I haven’t spoken to him since to know how he’s faring, but I guess he’s ok. At least I haven’t seen any ‘gone too soon’ poster anywhere….

By the way, ya'll should check out de-tente.blogspot.com. It has something on the female brain that i think um....even though could do with some modifications! :-), makes a lot of sense.

i still full ground remain.....

Hi guys! Or rather, hi few guys, being that only about a handful of people actually read this blog. Imagine, I carry my big head go put rating pool for the useless page. Meeeen, I hear am. So far, I think just about 3 people have actually voted for something! Really disheartening. Well I still try sha. I took a little time to check out some other blogs ( I kept guessing names since I don’t really know a lot of addresses!) and it was really encouraging to me to see some pages that have no comments on them even after the long long story they have put down. Sori sori o. So I’m kinda proud about el-correcta sha. Thanks to my readers. And can you all have blogs so I can read yours too? Thanks.


I’ve not posted something for a while cos I’ve been a bit busy doing what I can’t tell….just busy sha, and not school. I’m done with that for now thank God. A lot of things have happened to me in the past few weeks. From saving some poor boy’s life (i ain't joking ya'll!), to my car stopping like 13 times on ikorodu road and my ensuing encounter with about 11 area boys just yesterday(awon agbero!,) all at the same time( you go fear superman!), believe me I’ve had a lot of things happen around me. I’m in the process of completing the ‘saving a life’ post and will be publishing by the end of tomorrow. So check your local listings for timings and availability!!! Mean while I’m eagerly awaiting the faith of Madam Speaker today. By the special grace of God, if she actually took money for massaging machine, curtains and birthday bash, she’ll be flung out. Do you all know that the least qualification you need to be a house member is just an SSCE certificate? Makes you wonder what all the talk about masters and all whut nut in academics is for. Got me wondering!! Big ups to wienna, whoever you are! You made me write this.

COLD RECEPTION 2

My sis asked me why i keep breaking my posts into parts like our naija home videos. Unlike these home video producers who make many parts to one short story to 'sell market', I start writing my posts with enough enthusiasm and gusto, and half way through the damn post I just loose all steam in my fingers. After getting myself worn out, i post it anyway so that my blog can stay updated....i always like giving a visitor something new to read. There, my reason for interludes. Now, back to cold reception.





Linda, who was my girl friend's best friend, happened to be in thesame bus with me like i said, sitted a couple of seats in front of me and my cold-now-warm-thanks-to-me-friend. Apparently she was going to check something in her luggage at the back, or maybe she was coming our way just to confront me. That's history now. Here's what ensued....





Linda: El! (Thats me)





I looked up and when i saw who it was, i jerked!Not as if i was doing anything wrong, but i know linda and i know her mouth. She's the kind of girl you need when you wanna spread gist fast, and she will definitely add her own personal add-on's to whatever she's telling. This was not going to do my present situation any good.





Linda: El!

El: Ah ah! Hi linda. Whatchu doing here?

Linda: Whats that s'posed to mean. I'm going to school too.





The poor girl i was helping out couldn't really care more for whatever was going on, all she knew was that she was not so cold anymore and that was fine with her. As for me? Bad for appearances, obviously. At this point, i had given Linda all the go-first-explain-later-looks i could formulate. For where, she no even wan look my face. It all fell on deaf ears....or eyes. I made a mental note to stuff Linda down with sand next time i got her alone. She was so annoying.

Linda: I see you're busy.

EL: Me? Oh, just trying to help.

Linda: What kind of help.

El: Never mind.

Linda: I should never mind? Its ok, don't worry.

Don't worry. Linda asked me not to worry. If any other person asked me not to worry, i wouldn't. But a don't worry? Coming from Linda? That was a good time to start worrying. I mean reaallllly worry! Yeah, Linda had that effect on everyone. She was the kind of person you'll contact when you wanted quick disemination of gist, true or untrue! I could just picture her giving Nkiru (my g'friend)an exponentially adjusted picture of what she saw. I had had it.....or not. This actually ended well, expectedly so, cos i wasn't up to anything bad abi? Eeeh!!

Linda didn't speak to me for the rest of the trip. When we all got down she got her stuff and just left without a word. Not a word at all. As for Mary ( that's the cold girl), we exchanged numbers (that would be the most decent thing we could do) and went our seperate ways.

Long story short: Linda squeeled, Nkiru confronted, i explained, i got 3 days probation. We got back together! Happy ever after huh?

COLD RECEPTION

Hear ye, hear ye, fellow bloggers!! Its your faithful bandy wagon affected blogger. Now hear this: I’ve just discovered that from an option in my dashboard settings which I didn’t activate, people have been unable to leave comments on my posts. That’s really bad, I almost thought I had lost it…anyway you all can now criticise me and, I’ll get to know about what you’ve got to say. The floodgates have been flung ajar so….keep them comments coming!

Now, onto the story for the reason for this post. During one of the times I was going back to school, from lagos, I managed to get the first bus that particular day and if anybody reading this has been in any of the first buses of these transport companies (Ekene in particular), you would attest to the fact that their air conditioners usually work OVER TIME in the morning, as in you practically freeze up in them buses. And me wey never too take a/c for my little life so far, know how far with these buses. So I kak up with beta cardigan, trust your boy.

So as I entered the bus and located my seat by the isle, my window partner was a very pretty, fair complexioned, absolutely adorable, female. Wearing very revealing clothes by the way. Sitting right next to me, for the whole journey which was going to be about 7 hours including traffic, Yippeeeeee!, I tot to myself. At least my trip this time won’t be boring, and who knows, something else might happen later on after the trip. My fingers ached from keeping them crossed!!! I secretly wished for a major road block along the way for more time with this girl. Things we do for the opposite sex!!

I’ve read somewhere that offence is the best form of defence, so I took my seat with all possible caution, throwing none at all to the wind. I mean absolutely none. I sat straight, tilted a little to the side, her side, with my elbow on the hand rest and my palm supporting my chin, was fiddling with my black 60gig i-pod with my other hand, trying to ooze out some of my fine boy charm, trust me I’ve got plenty and then some. At least I think I do!

Now because of the lovely but little clothing she had on, I noticed she was beginning to feel cold and was cuddling to keep warm…my needed leverage I tot to myself. As person wey no dey shy, I decided to make my first move as the bus was just leaving the park....

El~correcta: Hi there.

She looks at me with an assessment kind of look and looks away. I tried again;

El~correcta: Hiii. You feeling cold?
Girl: What’s that supposed to mean!
El~correcta: C’mon, you don’t have to be so unfriendly.
Girl: As in…
El~correcta: As in, don’t you think your reply was rather rash?
Girl: Definitely not. Besides what makes you think I’m cold?

It worked! I got her talking whether she knew it or not.

El~correcta: I just thought, you know, because of the a/c….
Girl: You thought wrong!! If I was feeling cold I think I would know and actually do something about it okay!! So please if you don’t mind.
El~correcta: Ok ok. Sorry for asking.

Well, I guess I was wrong about having succeeded in getting her to converse with me. Everybody fails sometimes, I tot to myself. So I com dey for my own corner, she dey her side.

As we reach toll gate, I come take my corner eye look am: She was shivering all over, looking for any source of heat she could find around. Remember say she don snub me and she couldn’t really ask me for anything. But my people, I still get the intention of getting with this chic, so I decided to play the hero part and have some fun in between roles. So here goes….

El~correcta: Are you ok?
Girl: Excuse me? (she come meeeellllloooooowwww her voice well this time. I was having a good laugh inside!)
El~correcta: No, its just that you’re shaking. Do you have malaria fever or something?? (this time I almost laughed out loud!!)
Girl: Malaria ke? Nooo…
El~correcta: Typhoid?
Girl: No…
El~correcta: Jaundice?
Girl: No, please!!

By now, she was fuming so much, I could almost make out smoke rising from her head!! Almost!! But because of her predicament, I knew she was bound to have to speak to me again. So I kept quiet and focused seriously on the home video that was on, even though I never watch them home videos.

Soon enough, the freezing conditions got her yapping….

Girl: I didn’t mean to be rude (she managed to vocalise, since she was now gritting her teeth)

I acted like i din’t hear anything and started taking frightful interest to the particular scene that was on in the movie at that time. She tried again. She tapped me. I shook like I didn’t see it coming.

El~correcta: What’s the matter? (I asked with all conviction)
Girl: I was just saying that I didn’t mean to be rude then. I was just…

I cut her off politely, playing hard to get.

El~correcta: Its ok, no problem. (Back to the movie direction…away from her’s!)

I still take one eye dey spy am, omo she fine ooo. Wish I had a picture to show ya’ll!

Girl: And I don’t have malaria or any kind of fever.
El~correcta: Oh I see. (I started giving her a little attention, I don form reach now, abi my people!)
Girl: Its just the cold, its getting to me (through jittery teeth).
El~correcta: Eyah, sorry eh. Your clothes are very…um…few.
Girl: (Laughs a little). I know, I tot it would be sunny today, and this a/c is really much.
El~correcta: Yeah. Don’t you have a jacket or something?
Girl: I do but its in the boot below.
El~correcta: Oh, I see….So what are you going to do now. I can’t let you remain like this for the next 6 hours. (My head was swelling so fast, I couldn’t balance them on my shoulders!!)
Girl: Naah, don’t worry. Its only 6 more hours. I’ll be okay I guess.
El~correcta: Here let me…(.i picked her palms and put them in mine. Squeezed. )
El~correcta: Better huh?
Girl: Much better, thanks.
El~correcta: Its ok.

Then I took it another step, I raised the hand rest. Na only she fill up the space between us!!

El~correcta: You can rest here (I patted my chest. She dived for it! Too hard!!)
El~correcta: OUCH!!
Girl: Sorry, didn’t mean to hit you.

If you saw us you would think we a couple. Na so we cuddle like that for the next 2 hours or so, helping her keep warm.





Basically, this story so far looks very normal, abi? I think so. I mean, there's nothing out of the ordinary when you see a girl forming at first, then later warms up to you, we see it eveyday right? Right. That means there's actually more to this than what i've written so far. Something else happened on that bus.... My girl friend in school at that time was very keen on the type of friends she kept, so for this reason she had very few friends, among these few friends, she had a best friend....and this best friend......happened to be......on thesame bus with me......but i didn't know up till now. Every time i recall that incident and what happened later on i get shivers, really messy stuff.




I'll finish this story in my next post abeg. I just got tired of typing and was feeling i had to post something soon to my blog. So check in later for the rest of this, ok. Later peeps.

PHONE-A-BIN (PART 2)

In case you’re reading this, you might want to check out the post before this one for the prequel to this tale. If you’ve done so, here’s the rest…

J: So my phone is in the dustbin, eh?
el~correcta: em…em…something like that!

J:Ah ah, is that what you can’t say. There’s no big deal. Commot for road.

He excuses himself and heads for the dustbin and attempts to slowly rummage from the top, when his eyes finally accustoms to the poor visibility and he sees like a gazillion cockroaches ruminating in bin. He quickly retracts his hand and steps back like 3 paces.

J: Chei! omo! Did you see that? Did you see that?
el~correcta: yes, that was why I didn’t want you to come here.

O finally intervenes.

O: wait let me take it to the balcony and spread it out on the floor. We’ll spot it easier when it’s all out in the open.

So O braves it and manages to carry out the bin out to the balcony, with cockroaches everywhere scurrying about for their safety…and ours for that matter! And as he upturns the bin, a flurry of roaches sprawl across the balcony surface in their hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds! The three of us instinctively run for dear life. I personally find it demeaning and delirious at the same time because i found myself hanging on the railings of the balcony, almost toppling over from two stories up. Christ!!

After about ten good minutes, we all slowly and carefully, approach the bin site with the hope of not encountering any creatures there. We then painstakingly rummage through the offensive and foul smelling rubbish in the darkness, still dodging a couple of roaches here and there. Believe me, this is really putting it all very mildly, it’s really worse than I can ever describe.

We scavenge for a good 5 minutes, and to everybody’s amazement, the bloody phone wasn’t in the rubbish. Shit. Shit shit shit! All this, for nothing. Nothing! When suddenly O exclaims from inside the kitchen….

O: I’ve seen it! I don see am!!
J: where
el~correcta: where you see am?
O: on the floor o. its like it didn’t fall inside the bin. It just fell onto the side of the bag and feel on the floor. Imagine!

PHONE-A-BIN (PART 1)

Its me again o, for the second time. Was about to go to bed when I remembered one very indelible experience I had in school with my flat mate’s phone. At this point I must warn you that this editorial is rated 18. Reader discretion is advised….

One peaceful night, I was up in my room, watching a movie (vanilla sky I think). Now, I usually get these fits of hunger in the middle of the night so I had my dinner pretty late that day, about 10:30pm. The time now was about 1:20am. Despite the late meal, I still got very hungry at this hour. Did someone say it happens to me too?? I didn’t think so!

Hunger? No problem! I always come back to school with 2 full cartons of indomie (a local noodle brand), and since this was the fastest meal I could conjure, I hustled up and got myself to THE KITCHEN.

See my flat, with 4 rooms, housed about 16 on and off inhabitants. I was the only one staying alone in a room. So because of this multitude, the only place that we share in common, the kitchen, was reeeeally a piece of work. Extremely dirty with a capital 'D'. We had to hang a sign on the entrance that said ‘’abandon hope all ye who enter here!’’ to ward off innocent guests!

At this particular night, the dustbins (3 bagco sacks) were full and had extended their boundaries to the surrounding floor, really scary stuff i'll say. But I braved all of this and got into position and started preparing my stuff.

Then half way into the cooking, alas, disaster struck. NEPA decided we had had enough power for the night and cut off supply. ‘Chei chei chei’. And I had no candle or kerosene in my lamp as I had finished exams and had no reasons to read at night. Damn! What was a brother to do?

Fortunately, my good friend in the next room had a sonyerikson phone (K750i) that had a very bright flash light, so i got it from him after much pleading....he shouldn't have done that.

Equipped with light now I went back into the kitchen with all gusto and determination to finish what I had started. So I placed the phone, in standing position on the burglary protector by the window for greater light coverage. Now just for the records, these our dreaded and feared dustbins were located beneath this particular window. But hey, no problems, right……..wrong!!

This is where the plot thickens.

My food was almost ready now so I was busy stirring it up. Suddenly, the bloody phone chose that precise time to ring. And as it rang, it vibrated viciously. O boi! Before I could say eweee, the phone took off in full flight and landed in the dustbins. THE DUSTBINS!!!!

Of all places to fall in to, it had to be the dustbins, filled with maggots from the pit of wherever, all kinds of creepy crawlies, but most especially, cockroaches, of all sizes. The cursed device had to land in the mist of these debilitating creatures and guess what.....now i had to dip my hands in it!!

I quickly ran and called O, the handy man we had in the flat. Mind ya'll, J, the owner of the phone didn't know what was going on. But incidentally, while i was calling on O to come, J started asking for his phone....

el~correcta: O, abeg come first.
O: Na wetin??

el~correcta: Just come first now, make i tell u something.
O: Okay, i dey come.

J:Please give me my phone. I wan send sms.
el~correcta:em.....em.....i dey come

Jokingly, J asks...

J: this one you're answering like this, my phone still dey safe?abi e don fall from window or something??

el~correcta: No o. Na wa for you o. O, come now.

J: Where is my phone. Give it to me now.

By now he stands up, and starts walking with me and O to the kitchen.

el~correcta: Its nothing, its just that....that...
J: that what??
el~correcta: your phone fell
J: where is it? did it break? where is it?

I quickly burst out in one quick sentence…

el~correcta: see…wen I was cookin i…I put it on the window and…and…it started ringing.
J: So?
el~correcta: as it was ringing…shé you know your phone…
J:Yes I know my phone! What are you saying???

I pause and stop talking for a while and J is now getting agitated.

el~correcta: you know it vibrates.
J: yes I know that.
el~correcta: well the thing is…it vibrated and fell of the window. Can you imagine the silly phone? (I add this in attempt to exonorate yself somewhat.)

J understands my narration and immediately moves toward the window section of the kitchen…the dustbin area.
J calls my name repeatedly.

J: el~correcta
el~correcta: yes?

J: el~correcta
el~correcta: yes, I’m here.

J: I hope what I’m thinking, isn’t what happened.
el~correcta: mmm…(In an awful attempt to lighten the tense mood.)

J: Are you trying to tell me that….
el~correcta: yes.

J: As in my phone is in…
el~correcta: yep!




i'll continue this later people. have to log off now.....

'nuff sed?

Finally, I got a blog spot. I’ve really been overtly complacent about just being on the internet, maybe because I’ve been out of touch with extracurricular stuff, trying to get my degree on. Now that’s another story, but I ain’t going nowhere!

My sis single-handedly compelled me to have one, the blog I mean, cause she ‘thinks I’m good at writing up funny stuff, telling experiences, constucting great stories and writing up great songs. Then again that’s another story, but like I said, I ain’t going nowhere!

First of all, i really had a hard time choosing a blog screen name, being that all the queer names I call myself, (the flyest, sonnenkinder, the phoenix, el~nino…., but to mention a few!!!) had all being taken up by various bloggers. Here’s my show of appreciation….fuck you all very much!!

Hence, el~correcta was born. It really came from ruminating thoughts, brain splitting headaches, a full tube of ink, and seven chewed up finger nails, and look where all that got me…10 disjointed letters separated by a character that is really out of place…and don’t ask me what they mean, I’m still trying to figure that out myself. It just sounded mighty suave to me, what do ya’ll think. Pleaes holla back at me with an answer. Don’t hold back your opinions, ok? Thanks.

So, basically….on second thought, not basically, my mission here is not to hang upside down from a single strand of synthetic inelastic rope, trying to steal some list containing names of undercover agents and try to sell it to the highest bidder. Nahhh. Mine is more complicated. I just want to put up lyrics I think are great for everybody to see, tell you some of my most interesting and unbelievable experiences, yab some people, share ideas (that’s the right phrase for gossiping!), and make some friends in the process. We can be friends, can’t we? Sure we can.

So be nice everybody, and remember, el~correcta, or whatever he calls himself,….is watching……

That was a nice parting shot, wasn’t it?? But then again, if that was a parting shot, then what’s this here……?