When I woke up this morning, there was a faint but tangible harmattan dryness in the air. Felling nostalgic I could have sworn I was back home waiting for the Christmas chicken and other grubs to be ready. Really made me miss home. But alas I am here in this town called Warri faced with another day of endless work. Na wa!! I then proceed to perform every morning ritual save having breakfast as I was already running late by now. You see my company had just installed a clocking machine so the days of writing down that you came 45 minutes than you actually did, were over. ‘smh’. A disadvantage of technology right there ya’ll. Best believe it!
Anyways I make it to work and clock in on time too and after our safety talks (all staff do this every morning. Apparently you need to be reminded not to hurt yourself as you go about your daily tasks!!) I wasn’t in the mood for socialising on this particular morning so I head straight for my office. I turn on my system, make a boiling cup of tea, look up scores from games I missed the previous night, start taking reports from the field guys. My phone rang for the first time today. It was the gf. Said she had something important to say. Knowing she rarely used such sentences, my ears perked up. Ladies and gentlemen…..my day had begun.
Our conversation went like this:
Her: ‘Good morning………………..’
Me: ’Just good morning? No good morning sweety I missed you through the night kinda thingy?’
Her: silence
Me: ’hellooooo??’
Her: more silence
Me: ’Are you ok sweety?’
Her: ’I’m here. I need to talk to you.’
Me: ’By all means talk to me!’ (I said in a jovial tone)
Her: ’I have something really important to tell you.’
Me: ’So go on then!’ (I said this boldly because I had been faithful…..for a while and wasn’t scared of any infidelity accusations!)
Her: ’Well…..’more silence
Me: ’I have stuff to do this morning sweety. I’m getting impatient.’
Her: annoyingly more silence
Me: ’I can’t do this right now. Let’s talk later ok. take care.’
I hung up before she could say another word or give me more silence. As I tried to put in some office work I couldn’t help but wonder what that was all about. She’s been with me for about 3years now (I can’t quite put a specific date on it but 3 seems close enough!) and she knew I hated surprises. Even if it……’ring ring’ the bloody phone rang again (actually my ring tone currently is ‘Carolina’ by dr. alban not ring ring). Caller ID…same person. As I answered she blurted out:
Her: ’I was told that you are going to kill me!’
Me: ’Excuse me?’
Her: ’That’s what pastor told my mum!’
Me: ’That what?’
She: ‘He said that you’ll eventually kill me. That we need to go split up immediately before things progress any more than they already have.’
Me: ‘Are you kidding me sweety?’
But with the apprehension in her voice I suspected this was more than an expensive prank. Nothing like a good winding up in the morning to kick start your day right? Wrong! I hated this and was hating it more with every passing second. Also she had said ‘pastor’ told her mum. That didn’t sound good. You see gf’s family were really well to do and they were family friends to the General overseer of one of the mainstream Pentecostal churches here in Nigeria. fI he says something it is usually believed by all and sundry.
Her: ’No I’m not.’
Silence from the both sides now.
Me: ’Ok then. Have a nice life.’
Her: ’What?’
Me: ’If he really said that I’ll likely kill you some day then we need to break up right now.’
Her: ’Just like that?’
Me: ’Sure. Its for the best yeah?’
Her: ’I guess….’
Me: ’Yup’
Her: ’ok then.’
Me: ’Take care.’ Click. She hung up. By now I had 2 inquisitions about some damaged equipment I needed to attend to. Damn! This is too much activity for a tuesday morning.
Fast forward to the evening when I got home, I hadn’t talked to my would be victim all through the day. And just as I was about to take a shower, my phone rang ‘….guess who’s coming to dinneeeeer Carolina…’.Yep you guessed right. It was her number. But it wasn’t her on the line though.
Her: ’Hello.’
Me: ’Hey,…..who is this.’ It definitely was an older voice.
Her: ’This is kate’s mum.’ Lets say her name is kate.
Me: ’Oh. Good evening ma. Very surprised to hear from you.’ We had spoken just once since her daughter and I started rolling. Was hoping that’ll be the last!
Her: ’Yes I know you will be. I also know that kate called you today with some news about the both of you.’
Me: ’Ummm…yes she did.’
Her: ’Well I didn’t expect her to rush off so soon to tell you whatever she told you. But its all right now.’
Me: ’I don’t understand. What do you mean by its all right now?’ This prank was getting better and better.
Her: ’Let me put it this way. We all prayed and every crooked way has been made straight now.’
I remember she had used the phrase ‘crooked way has been made straight’ because it instantaneously reminded me of the song ‘the rocky road to dublin’. I would have thought kate’s mum was in on this silly game but knowing the kind of person she was, I scatched that thought and tried to bring myself with the fact that I was faced with a real life situation here.
Me: ‘Crooked ways have been made straight?’
Her: ’Yes they have.’
Me: ’umm…Thank you ma…I guess.’
Her: ’You can talk to kate now ok?’ Click, she hung up.
This is some bs people! As much as I hated surprises I kinda liked the plot in the beginning, but right now I felt like I was in a sucky, hard, uncomfortable, awkward place and that place was my relationship. If my gf and her clan were trying to spook me out they definitely did a good job of it and infact had gotten the ultimate result, because i was already through the door and was about to shut it, talking about me and her. What was I supposed to think? Or do? Or how was I supposed to react to all this? Laugh at what a good winding up it was? Not even possible. I involuntarily began to process images in my head of me towering over kate with a knife in my hand about to plunge it into her. This stuff was harming my thoughts!! I decided to put a call through to kate. All I needed was the slightest hint that this wasn’t all some sorry and expensive joke and I was through with her. But she didn’t pick. And after 4 rings I decided to give it all a rest.
After I got out the shower I was chatting with my friend about the crazy events of the day when my phone rang.
Her: ‘Hi sweety!’
Me: ’You didn’t take my calls’
Her: ’Yeah. We were praying. Its all ok now.’
Me: ‘That’s cool…listen kate I really think we should give us some space for a while. Just so we can both take take a needed breather’
Her: ’No there’s nothing to worry about now.’
By now I was thinking about some random street talk ‘na mai mai for sachet? Abi na Clinton for okada?!’
Me: ’Its fine. But we really do need some time apart, you know, just to think things through.’
Her: ’No please I don’t want time apart from you sweety!’
Na Obasanjo for hipsters?!!!
Me: ’I see. Its fine.’
But it wasn’t all fine. You see this was a long distance relationship and as we talked I was thinking to myself that it’ll be a while before she comes to my place. Maybe never again. I don’t want to be involved with no spiritual family issues. No sir! We talked and ended the call with the usual I love you’s and I miss you’s. I think she’s seen the last of me really.
If you were in my shoes what will you do??
