speaking bLONDely

Hey ma people! Its your boy el once again doing his thing here in blogsville. How’ve ya’ll been? I’m a’ight. A little bored but, its cool. If only my ‘slow as a snail’ school managed to send some of our names to the NYSC in time, I’d probably be in some remote school in the north, doing whatever I wanna. Instead I’m stuck in this spot called home practicing house keeping. Infact, I’m guessing I’ll make a better housewife than some females right now!! I even ended up going back to my true first love....and it's not Linda or Ann or any dazzling female(wish it was anyway!!)....designing. I used to design cards, business logos, web pages, and the like as a hobby.Did some business cards for 2 REAL companies! Cool HUH?? Anyway, I was just going over random web addresses and came across the usual blonde jokes. These ones really got me laughing and I just wanted to share it with you. But what’s really with dumb blonde’s…I mean, blondes! Are they really naturally dumb or is there something I’m not getting, as I’ve never related with one. Please let me know. Enjoy.

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."

"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"

"No I'm a blonde", she replies.

"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all

these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,

so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are

smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is

going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets

down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and

smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living

room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at

the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks

what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him

that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by

painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket

over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the

directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take

the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

For more just type in 'blonde jokes' in any search engine 'voile', u'll be surprised at the number of hits u'll get. Remember, any reason as to why blondes are percieved as dumb?...holla back at me. Later.

Saving A Life

Me and my long stories sef!!


You know those movies with a story line that has a person, usually female, in some kind of trouble, and then someone, usually a male, unexpectedly comes to the scene and saves that female in danger? I remember them. Infact I can even list some right now….maybe later. I better get back to this post before I diverge. I’m used to doing that a lot. I could be saying something one minute, and the next I’m saying something else. Like once, I was telling my friend about how I asked….Shit, I’M DOING IT AGAIN. Can we get back to saving a life please!!?


Eeeh, I know ya’ll are wondering, how the hell did my big head save someone. Well it did happen, and I’m gonna tell all about it.


Some weeks ago after church on Sunday, I was getting into my car to go home when someone called me a couple of times from afar. I didn’t know who he was. He had to come up to me and explain himself a bit before I recollected. He was from my confirmation class from way back. I tried to show some excitedness in seeing him again, cos he was beaming from ear to ear. We spoke briefly but with lots of enthuse since it had been a while. I later explained to him I was rushing off somewhere (na lie o!) and had to leave. He asked for my address, that he would like to come visit sometime. I hesitated at first, cos I noticed he was acting kinda funny: Always jerking like he was on something, laughing too hard when there wasn’t nothing funny, those kinds of reactions that keep you on the alert. So yeah, I hesitated about giving up my ad. But I thought to myself, why not, notin dey happen(na so tuface talk, mean while robbers don attack the poor boy twice!). So I gave it up. He said he would come around later in the week. No problem, right? Wrong.


And so I entered the week, going about my daily chores like any patriotic family member would. I guess I had forgotten I met Buchi at church the past Sunday cos I wasn’t really ready to see him when he called on Wednesday saying he was free now and was wondering if I was home. That’s me o. I have to prepare beforehand to host someone, even if its just a social call. And in preparing, I mean my state of mind and basically keep my system in the required mode. I assure everybody reading this, I’m ok o. Anyway, I wasn’t ready to see him but didn’t really want to put off the visit for another day cos something told me he won’t mind rescheduling 72 times over! So I said I was home that he could be on his way.


In about 45mins he got here, with that trademark smile of his. I couldn’t resist asking him why he was smiling so much, ceaselessly that is. He said he had “a very nice trip to my place”.


El: A very nice trip to my place??!!
Buchi: Yes my brother. A very nice trip.
El: But your house is just about 15mins away. Or are you coming from outside lagos or something?
Buchi: No o. Just that the journey was very comfortable. The bus I boarded had very comfortable seats. I really enjoyed the seats.I did.


Really enjoyed the seats, he said. I was beginning to have the feeling I was on candid camera or something, maybe to get my reaction to what he was saying. I took note of the distance between us. Something told me our discussion was not going to be about girls or football, or both.


From the fist 10mins of our talk, I gathered he schooled in Benin, studying Physics (I hate pure sciences) just got into his third year. Cool. We talked basically about school and every other adjoining gist. He now revisited stories from his school and how life could be so hard and frustrating there. I concurred, that things were the same in all Nigerian higher institutions. Then he went ahead to say that the case of frustration in his school was peculiar and was indeed unlike the way any other school was having it. I was about to respond when he dropped the bomb.


Buchi: I’ve not really told you the reason why I’m here today.
El: Reason??.....


I was right! This wasn’t just a social call. I waited patiently for the ‘reason’. But nothing on earth could prepare me for what he dropped in my lap.


Buchi: I’m really tired of the way thing are going for me.
El: Ummmm, what do you mean.
Buchi: I really don’t know. All I know is that I’m fed up of life in general. And I’m thinking of ending it.
El: As in, you want to pack up and retire to the village or something? (I laughed out loud. He kept a face more straight that a 30centimetre ruler. I stopped laughing.)


Buchi: I mean to stop living. I want to kill myself. I’ve thought it over and it’s the best line of action. I’m serious. I’ve thought over it. I just wanted to seek your opinion…….


Seek my opinion he says. He wants to seek my opinion to know if I share the idea of killing himself! He din’t want to seek my opinion about change of school, or about the shirt he was going to put on to an interview he was going to the next day. Naaah. He just wanted to seek my opinion about killing himself. I was waiting for that moment. The moment he would say “Just joking. You should have seen the look on your face, hahahaha”. But it never came. He just kept going on and on about it. Then something really scary happened. Really scary. I looked keenly at his face. Looked intently into his eyes. There was actually some amount of seriousness in what he was saying. What if he was actually serious about this killing business? I cut into his blabbing…


El: Buchi
Buchi: Yes?
El: Are you listening to yourself. You just said you’re planning on killing yourself. Take it back before something gets registered in the spiritual or something.


Omo, the guy no reply me o. He was just looking at me and nodding his head like an agama lizard. This young man had seeeeeeerious issues and God say make he come meet me. ME!!! Meeeeeen. I quickly did a overall summary in my head: Buchi had issues, lots of issues. He probably doesn’t have a lot of friends, He saw me at church on Sunday and decided to seek my opinion about killing himself. Okay. Fine. So…um…whut the fuck am I s’posed to do now??? I’m an engineer for God’s sake not a guidance and counseling consultant!! Lord, let this cup pass over me!!


After my short prayer session (I come dey bind and cast for mind, make the spirit wey dey the boy no enter me or rest for my house!), I took it from the top.


El: ….you’re serious?
Buchi: see eh….(he then lowers his voice for emphasis), I’m just sick and tired of what life is throwing at me, I can’t take all of it anymore, it just really….
El: wait wait, slow down. What exactly is happening. What’s worrying you. Problems at home?
Buchi: Home is fine.
El: your girlfriend? You guys having a bad time (I’ve seen guys go crazy from a breaking up wit their girlfriends).
Buchi: Girlfriend? I don’teven have one so that’s not a problem.
El: So what’s the problem…..


We both stay in silence for a something that seemed like a complete 4 to 5mins. I just let the silence linger. Finally he spoke up….


Buchi: Did you have problems at school?
El: School?
Buchi: As in don’t things bother you in school
El:….
Buchi: Sometimes I feel my head’s gonna explode. My courses are so rough and…..


This boy was really a nut case. Just school stuff was making him loose his mind? He then explained how ‘there is no future for this generation’ with the current state of things in the country, how ‘we all will go to hell if we don’t seek God’, and some other topics too mind boggling to commit to memory. He told me of how he usually takes time off in school and just sits somewhere he would ‘be alone and just think of what life was all about’!! This boy needed serious help. Meeeenn. He so came to the wrong person….or not.


I com start my own part of the talk.


El: First of all buchi, I think you think too damn much. How does Nigeria’s matter immediately concern you, how is it that…..


I can’t recall verbatim all what I said to him, but he took all my advice, taking it all in like a frightfully attentive student, nodding slowly and continuously with one of his palms supporting his chin….real shrink and patient stuff I tell you. At that point I began to think I was in the wrong profession!


He asked questions like.....


So you’re saying I shouldn’t kill myself?
You don’t think it’s a good idea?
Are will all going to hell fire?
I should leave tomorrow to take care of itself? (This one was asked after so many ways of explaining ‘tomorrow will take care of itself’. I wished I hadn’t introduced that!)


I hope ypu all get a picture of what I was dealing with.


Anyway at the end of our session, he agreed completely with me. He thanked me so much for ‘all what I had done for him’. Understandably so, I mean, I did stop him from taking his life! By now it was like past 8 in the evening. That was how he left.


I haven’t spoken to him since to know how he’s faring, but I guess he’s ok. At least I haven’t seen any ‘gone too soon’ poster anywhere….

By the way, ya'll should check out de-tente.blogspot.com. It has something on the female brain that i think um....even though could do with some modifications! :-), makes a lot of sense.

i still full ground remain.....

Hi guys! Or rather, hi few guys, being that only about a handful of people actually read this blog. Imagine, I carry my big head go put rating pool for the useless page. Meeeen, I hear am. So far, I think just about 3 people have actually voted for something! Really disheartening. Well I still try sha. I took a little time to check out some other blogs ( I kept guessing names since I don’t really know a lot of addresses!) and it was really encouraging to me to see some pages that have no comments on them even after the long long story they have put down. Sori sori o. So I’m kinda proud about el-correcta sha. Thanks to my readers. And can you all have blogs so I can read yours too? Thanks.


I’ve not posted something for a while cos I’ve been a bit busy doing what I can’t tell….just busy sha, and not school. I’m done with that for now thank God. A lot of things have happened to me in the past few weeks. From saving some poor boy’s life (i ain't joking ya'll!), to my car stopping like 13 times on ikorodu road and my ensuing encounter with about 11 area boys just yesterday(awon agbero!,) all at the same time( you go fear superman!), believe me I’ve had a lot of things happen around me. I’m in the process of completing the ‘saving a life’ post and will be publishing by the end of tomorrow. So check your local listings for timings and availability!!! Mean while I’m eagerly awaiting the faith of Madam Speaker today. By the special grace of God, if she actually took money for massaging machine, curtains and birthday bash, she’ll be flung out. Do you all know that the least qualification you need to be a house member is just an SSCE certificate? Makes you wonder what all the talk about masters and all whut nut in academics is for. Got me wondering!! Big ups to wienna, whoever you are! You made me write this.