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Its your boy el here. Wots going on? Me just dey, chilling basically.You know wot, its a blessing to be able to reach out to people through this here medium and even though it takes an impulse as heavy as a tsunami to move me to my computer, when i eventually step up to the keyboard i get a full blast of blood to my nerve endings and i simply can't stop. To top it all off, i get replies in the form of comments from people so anonymous, i can't even believe! I mean, i've got friends, but you faceless people are just something else :)
Just incase you're wondering, i know you are, as the meaning of the word goes, being an 'agbero' fortunately isn't one of the experiences on my resume. But something did happen that made me take some actions reminiscence of the above named street urchin. This post is not meant to make you laugh, smile, snicker, or 'rotflmao' like my fellow blogger citizens will remark. This post is meant to solicit your sympathy and compassion for my experience was not funny. Not funny at all.
Right from the start of this particular day, things were definitely looking awry. First that morning, I had stomach upset probably from the choice of pizza I had the previous night. Then as I left the house to run some errands, I had to go back home cos I forgot my wallet and I was already about 10mins out. Thanks to
And so I was one pretty ticked off road user. Wasn’t my usual patient self with crossing pedestrians, intersections, and all other road intricacies. Most times I just leaned on the horn for no reason. Get the picture?
Like I said things were all going wrong. Was supposed to just drop off something and collect some money from some person at a location not too far from my place. But to my amazement, and utter annoyance, this unmarked person wasn’t where she was supposed to be. People sef, they say one thing and do another. I promptly got a call from her saying she was now in Opebi Allen, a commercial area of
By the way I was driving my sisters car, a Rav4 jeep, and a very nice looking one. But its outward look was its undoing for I had no idea what this car was about to put me through. Now I’ve got to give credit to this vehicle for its erratic behaviour that day, for without it my tale will not be what it is.
Na so I carry my big head begin drive go Opebi Allen with all the traffic on the road. When I got to a turning on that road, the engine of the car just died. Just like that. Went totally dead. Several attempts to kick it…abortive. Luckily I had parked it in an ok place before it came to a complete halt. ‘Must be the battery head or the battery itself’ I tot to my self. I decided to just leave it there and just go about my business. So I left off and after about 1 hour I returned to the vehicle, thinking how I was going to get a battery charger. But surprisingly I got into the car, stuck the car in the ignition and guess what…the crazy car just started again. Machines! One can never fully know. So I continued on my way home happy about how things turned out. But ironically things were to turn out for the worse.
I was now on Ikorodu road (a major express way in
I was caught up in a little hold up, and just when it started moving this crazy car choose now to die on me again. Abuses from every where. ‘Comot for road jo’, ‘Fine moto wey no dey work’, and many other remarks. I kicked and kicked, for where. By the way it was an automatic so pushing was going to be wahala but I had no choice.
I put am for neutral and heaved. It didn’t budge. My stomach rumbled again. Hei! I had to now really fire on all cylinders by force. Another mighty heave. HEAVE!! It started moving small small. Kai I sorry for my self. I succeeded in pushing it to the far service lane. Before I could wipe the sweat from my brows, a ‘mechanic’ came out of the wood work.
Mechanic: oga wetin happen na? Na battery??
i had no choice but to let him in. I WAS happy to let him in.
el: I no noo. The car just dey stop on im own.
Mechanic: e go be the battery head.
El: no be battery. E no dey kick at all.
Mechanic: open am make I look. Maybe the fuel filter don dey blocked.
I willingly popped the hood of the stupid car. Just as we were looking down there, another very coarse voice from behind… ( you’ll have to excuse my written Yoruba but just wanted you all to really have a feel of what was going on)
Tout: ehe, kilon shele nib ii? Wetin una dey do for my road?
We both looked up. A very dirty looking, haggardly dressed, thoroughly bleached face looked back at us, with his mouth hanging open revealing a complete set of blackish brown teeth. I had never really had any close calls with ‘area boys’ before now. So I was a bit taken aback but I kept my composure. We ignored him and got back to our deliberations.
Tout: kilonshe awon ee?? Abi una dey mad. I say wetin una dey find for my road? (mouth still hanging open!)
I decided to switch to offence mode, going by the ‘offence is the best form of defence’ saying. I lashed out with such a rich deep voice that even I never knew I had in me…
El: Abi you dey craze, eh eh (also leaving my mouth hanging open)?? Kilon…kilon…you dey mad?? (‘kilon’ meaning what is was just about the only phrase I knew very well in this dialect!!
Tout: Na me you dey ask that one (he steps up to me slowly, I was shaking in my flip flops!). You no dey look face…
I don’t know what went loose in my brain lobes to make me do what I was about to do. I shoved him hard in the chest. He lost his balance and fell. He quickly stood up. ‘I don die eh’ I thought to myself. He’s probably coming for full battle now. But he didn’t.
Tout: So you tink say you fit push me for chest (beats his chest continously), you tink say you fit push me abi? Oya commot you moto for here now now.
He then moves straight to the jeep and yanks out the bonnet hanger making the bonnet slam with a loud slam. He then flings the poor hanger that didn’t hurt anyone across the express, nearly missing a passing car! Before I knew what was happening I heard some other voices equaling the coarseness of my bonnet slamming friend. The mechanic by the way, was no where to be found now. Funny how people vanish into thin air. Talk about what i needed to do right now! VANISH!!
Voice 1: wetin dey happen for dia, eh?
Voice 2: kilode e?
Voice 3: Who you be, who…
As I looked around, I counted at least 11 scary faces that could give a kid nightmares…that could give ME nightmares! I started thinking of what to do, and fast too before I get mobbed. I decided there was nothing else for it than to put up with my offensive play, I just needed to up it up a notch. One of them was pulling at the door handle, here we go.
El: comot you hand for that door…comot for dat front (one was tugging at the bonnet)
Voice 9: how much you carry sef (comes from behind while I’m accosting the one trying to open the door and dips his hand into my back pocket)
El: you dey…(I fling my arm around wildly and caught him on his ear)
Voice 9: I go…(presses his lips together and pushes me hard.)
Tout: na so e blow me before.
As I fell back trying to regain balance, another pushes me from behind. This thing was turning…HAD turned to something waaaay beyond my control. Like i said, this would have been a good time to vanish.
And so I was finally in the center of these street people, ready to do whatever they wanted with me, with no need to take any form of caution. ‘This is it’ I thought to myself, this is how el~correcta ended his life sojourn, and it looked so promising. All I could do was just keep turning around and around, darting my head in all directions even as this human circle closed in on me. I clenched my fists, at least I would go down fighting. Then I heard it, they all heard it.
A voice: E file, make una leave am, leave am. I SAY MAKE UNA COMOT, YOU NO DEY HEAR.
Apparently these guys, as hopeless as they all seemed, practised some form of hierarchy system that existed amongst them and this was assumingly the boss of them all speaking from where he was sitting over the culvert on a stool . Gradually but grudgingly, they all began to withdraw. And,the surprising thing was that the ‘boss’ didn’t say anything else. They just all left as if nothing had happened. As soon as I regained composure and was able to move my feet, for I realized that they wouldn’t shift from their current location at first.
I quickly went into the car, stuck the key in the ignition, turned. What? The bloody car kicked and started. Put in it ‘D’ and screeched away before some certain people changed their minds.
The car took me all the way home. My dad later called his mechanic. The car was overheating, so when it got too hot it would kill itself off and refuse to come on till it cooled down. If I was wise enough to look into the radiator, I would have discovered that. Kai, suffer suffer for ignorance!
Finally, when I look back at that day I can’t but actually laugh out loud to myself, so I guess I can permit a little 'ROTFLMAO' from you guys. Its good to be back to blogger. Holla!!
