I'm officially spooked!!

When I woke up this morning, there was a faint but tangible harmattan dryness in the air. Felling nostalgic I could have sworn I was back home waiting for the Christmas chicken and other grubs to be ready. Really made me miss home. But alas I am here in this town called Warri faced with another day of endless work. Na wa!! I then proceed to perform every morning ritual save having breakfast as I was already running late by now. You see my company had just installed a clocking machine so the days of writing down that you came 45 minutes than you actually did, were over. ‘smh’. A disadvantage of technology right there ya’ll. Best believe it!
Anyways I make it to work and clock in on time too and after our safety talks (all staff do this every morning. Apparently you need to be reminded not to hurt yourself as you go about your daily tasks!!) I wasn’t in the mood for socialising on this particular morning so I head straight for my office. I turn on my system, make a boiling cup of tea, look up scores from games I missed the previous night, start taking reports from the field guys. My phone rang for the first time today. It was the gf. Said she had something important to say. Knowing she rarely used such sentences, my ears perked up. Ladies and gentlemen…..my day had begun.
Our conversation went like this:
Her: ‘Good morning………………..’
Me: ’Just good morning? No good morning sweety I missed you through the night kinda thingy?’
Her: silence
Me: ’hellooooo??’
Her: more silence
Me: ’Are you ok sweety?’
Her: ’I’m here. I need to talk to you.’
Me: ’By all means talk to me!’ (I said in a jovial tone)
Her: ’I have something really important to tell you.’
Me: ’So go on then!’ (I said this boldly because I had been faithful…..for a while and wasn’t scared of any infidelity accusations!)
Her: ’Well…..’more silence
Me: ’I have stuff to do this morning sweety. I’m getting impatient.’
Her: annoyingly more silence
Me: ’I can’t do this right now. Let’s talk later ok. take care.’
I hung up before she could say another word or give me more silence. As I tried to put in some office work I couldn’t help but wonder what that was all about. She’s been with me for about 3years now (I can’t quite put a specific date on it but 3 seems close enough!) and she knew I hated surprises. Even if it……’ring ring’ the bloody phone rang again (actually my ring tone currently is ‘Carolina’ by dr. alban not ring ring). Caller ID…same person. As I answered she blurted out:
Her: ’I was told that you are going to kill me!’
Me: ’Excuse me?’
Her: ’That’s what pastor told my mum!’
Me: ’That what?’
She: ‘He said that you’ll eventually kill me. That we need to go split up immediately before things progress any more than they already have.’
Me: ‘Are you kidding me sweety?’
But with the apprehension in her voice I suspected this was more than an expensive prank. Nothing like a good winding up in the morning to kick start your day right? Wrong! I hated this and was hating it more with every passing second. Also she had said ‘pastor’ told her mum. That didn’t sound good. You see gf’s family were really well to do and they were family friends to the General overseer of one of the mainstream Pentecostal churches here in Nigeria. fI he says something it is usually believed by all and sundry.

Her: ’No I’m not.’
Silence from the both sides now.
Me: ’Ok then. Have a nice life.’
Her: ’What?’
Me: ’If he really said that I’ll likely kill you some day then we need to break up right now.’
Her: ’Just like that?’
Me: ’Sure. Its for the best yeah?’
Her: ’I guess….’
Me: ’Yup’
Her: ’ok then.’

Me: ’Take care.’ Click. She hung up. By now I had 2 inquisitions about some damaged equipment I needed to attend to. Damn! This is too much activity for a tuesday morning.
Fast forward to the evening when I got home, I hadn’t talked to my would be victim all through the day. And just as I was about to take a shower, my phone rang ‘….guess who’s coming to dinneeeeer Carolina…’.Yep you guessed right. It was her number. But it wasn’t her on the line though.

Her: ’Hello.’
Me: ’Hey,…..who is this.’ It definitely was an older voice.
Her: ’This is kate’s mum.’ Lets say her name is kate.
Me: ’Oh. Good evening ma. Very surprised to hear from you.’ We had spoken just once since her daughter and I started rolling. Was hoping that’ll be the last!
Her: ’Yes I know you will be. I also know that kate called you today with some news about the both of you.’
Me: ’Ummm…yes she did.’
Her: ’Well I didn’t expect her to rush off so soon to tell you whatever she told you. But its all right now.’
Me: ’I don’t understand. What do you mean by its all right now?’ This prank was getting better and better.
Her: ’Let me put it this way. We all prayed and every crooked way has been made straight now.’

I remember she had used the phrase ‘crooked way has been made straight’ because it instantaneously reminded me of the song ‘the rocky road to dublin’. I would have thought kate’s mum was in on this silly game but knowing the kind of person she was, I scatched that thought and tried to bring myself with the fact that I was faced with a real life situation here.

Me: ‘Crooked ways have been made straight?’
Her: ’Yes they have.’
Me: ’umm…Thank you ma…I guess.’
Her: ’You can talk to kate now ok?’ Click, she hung up.

This is some bs people! As much as I hated surprises I kinda liked the plot in the beginning, but right now I felt like I was in a sucky, hard, uncomfortable, awkward place and that place was my relationship. If my gf and her clan were trying to spook me out they definitely did a good job of it and infact had gotten the ultimate result, because i was already through the door and was about to shut it, talking about me and her. What was I supposed to think? Or do? Or how was I supposed to react to all this? Laugh at what a good winding up it was? Not even possible. I involuntarily began to process images in my head of me towering over kate with a knife in my hand about to plunge it into her. This stuff was harming my thoughts!! I decided to put a call through to kate. All I needed was the slightest hint that this wasn’t all some sorry and expensive joke and I was through with her. But she didn’t pick. And after 4 rings I decided to give it all a rest.
After I got out the shower I was chatting with my friend about the crazy events of the day when my phone rang.

Her: ‘Hi sweety!’
Me: ’You didn’t take my calls’
Her: ’Yeah. We were praying. Its all ok now.’
Me: ‘That’s cool…listen kate I really think we should give us some space for a while. Just so we can both take take a needed breather’
Her: ’No there’s nothing to worry about now.’

By now I was thinking about some random street talk ‘na mai mai for sachet? Abi na Clinton for okada?!’
Me: ’Its fine. But we really do need some time apart, you know, just to think things through.’
Her: ’No please I don’t want time apart from you sweety!’

Na Obasanjo for hipsters?!!!

Me: ’I see. Its fine.’

But it wasn’t all fine. You see this was a long distance relationship and as we talked I was thinking to myself that it’ll be a while before she comes to my place. Maybe never again. I don’t want to be involved with no spiritual family issues. No sir! We talked and ended the call with the usual I love you’s and I miss you’s. I think she’s seen the last of me really.
If you were in my shoes what will you do??

idleness: Almost a Myth now!

I say this because that used to be the condition i was in.I had the time to do whatever,go wherever, and post whatever whenever i chose on this honourable and diplomatic forum. Those were THE days! Its not as if i despise my current state, who would? I mean...moved into a new place,have a brand new job (it's actually about a year old now!),made new friend's, been to new location's...i can't complain about where my life is taking its bearing you know. But honestly i miss this community.

I stumbled onto a blog page of some person by chance some days ago and i felt really guilty. Guilty that i haven't been updating this my yeye diary of sort's about the going's-on in my small but thoroughly exciting life. And then after reading a comment on one of my obsolete medieval posts from an anonymous blogger this morning i had to obey the haggard vernacular ringing in my head resoundingly...."U NO GO GO UPDATE OUR YEYE DIARY??? SEE YOUR BIG HEAD LIKE COCONUT!!! SEE YOUR NARROW NARROW LEG LIKE"....i'm sure you guy's get the picture about how my head works. Real psykia case true true!!lol

like i said, miss you guys and can't wait to be schooled on wot you've all been up to. Afrobabe and other bloggers. Oh and compliments of the season. I've been having a blst this season. Absolutely. And as is custom to el,i will most certainly be telling all.post by post. Tale by tale.story by story.let me check out some pages. Will be white black.......right back!!soriii

Idle wild.

What does that even mean?I have absolutely no idea...about the wild part anyway. staying home is such a waste of valuable, inestimable, skilled manpower. What a shame. Its such a depressinon from how busy i used to be back when I was in school and some time after that. Well, selfish employers, eat your heart out for i'm making money from my bedroom. And all it took was a bed, a cup of hot cocoa, internet connection, and a computer!

Online money is the IT thing right now and as people say, it IS paying off. It just takes a little investment and lot's of patience. Don't get me wrong i do really want to get a job soon as possible but this will keep me busy and able to help me make end's connect, you know what i mean. Well, i guess i'm like the last person to know about all this online stuff so i'll just shut my trap and stop with the stale info.

Hi bloggers (if there's anyone readong this!). It's been a while and i missed you guys plenty. I'm on my way to your repective post stream's to say hi. Be back soon.

my First post.

It's cool to make a post on the first day of the year, don't you think? I do. Especially for people like el that does it like quarterly! Well, just got home 4 days ago to spend the new year here in lagos. Lagos can be fun. I've spent a total of about 14 hrs in traffic, in just 3 days! Where else can this happen?? Only in the center of excellence!!

Port harcourt has been a blast (that's were i've been in the past 8 months), with females trying to 'land' you at every turn. Its really a fun place to serve at. I guess the only downside to it is the teaching thing. But even that in itself has not been so bad. What with students in SSS3 (i believe that's the equivalent for high school) that can't spell their names correctly, or can't communicate in English or pidgeon english. I've had some good laughs.

For example, in one of the exams we had, i came across a the script of a certain student in SSS2. This subject paper was physics. Now, i had to hold on to the script cos it was like something i had never seen. I now type verbatim. Viewer discretion is seriously advised.

No1.Lasp 4 popoter of matalse
oplkk ret aa werc hqa pl.ouiu plbhyd buvyr ..ite hytsn feert
bghijki eu eerhf plwzzaq ejfrvfj opklo edqa piohnju;urp dsa lqw
pqweq nfthyud njkkefr rfty hdhgtrr jwfr...


I need to stop here cos its hard work typing stuff that's not english, you know what i mean??
Now to decipher this puzzle. Did i hear someone say "you're kidding, right"? How does this relate to physics? The first line is supposed to be the question ''list 4 properties of metals''. He couldn't even copy out correctly, let alone answering the question. He even had a drawing of something that looked liked an umbrella! I have to know if he was some kind of genius answering the questions in his local dialect! And since this was a promotion exam, i knew he couldn't have been messing around. He must have burnt the 'midnite candle' reading for this exam! Really had a good laugh.

So Rivers state is an interesting place to stay at. I spent my christmas days in calabar, that's in Cross Rivers. Their carnival is rerally of the hinges! By this, i mean extremely fun. Incase ya'll didn't know, calabar hosts a very colorful carnival, annually. I hope they keep it up 'cos it puts Nigeria on the world tourism map every year. I have pictures, but i appear in most of them and that would nullify the anonymous, effect won't it?? Sorry!!

So, i'm not cutting ya'll off on wots being happening to your boy el. Just trying to make my first post this year. Hola back. Holllaaaaaaa.

Holla bac...

Gosh!!!, i can't believe it's been like, whut?? 5 months since i made a post. Time really flies. Especially when you don't want it to. I just got into lagos for a bit and checked out my page. and you know what...?i missed it. i really did. i wish there was some way i could log on every other day. But its not to be right now, for NYSC will not have it!

Like i told blogsville, i am currently serving in one of the many villages across Rivers state, where there's nearly not enough GSM service to make or recieve calls, let alone have internet service and i've decided to just weather all the discomfort for all the time it'll last. By february, it will all be, as they say, 'ancient history'. Can't wait!!

Really missed you guys. What's been up? As you all know, i'm an activity person. For some reason i can't fathom, stuff just seems to always go on around me, and as you all know, i always tell it!

But where are my manners?! I'm going to pay you all visits before i proceed.holla bac.

area!! area!!!!! area!!!!!!!

Ma people!Its your honourable blogger el here on the keyboard once again. how una dey?? To be honestly honest, if i was told that there will be a time i'll like stay away from blogsville for so long, i'll probably not agree. But here i am not updating for close to 3 months. 3 months!!! meeehn, its a shameful thing to type sef!


Eh....but...its not as if i intentionally avoided you guys o. I had to get to school to get my call up letter, get back, arrange myself and haul ass all the way to rivers. Rivers state, that is. Na dia them throw me go o! I've been to rivers once sha so it wasn't a human on mars thing. So you see my people, the worrying thing here isn't that i was posted to Rivers state.No, not at all. The cause for worry is the school i was sent to for my primary assignment. Little note: all creatures and the like posted to Rivers state to serve must teach. Be you insect, human, whatever. We're all teaching!! I was sent to a school in one very...very, remote secondary school in some village, whose name i still can't pronounce till date. Its that bad. Its so remote, the taxi that dropped me and my corper mates off didn't even know there was such a place. We had to constantly ask for directions!
Anyway i just got into lagos last night to cool off for some days. I miss you guys and i couldn't really pass off the chance to holla at ya'll right quick cos all i have done since yesterday is sleep. I''ll be posting one of my traditional long posts once i'm able to stay awake for more than 2hrs at a time! I'll tell you all about camp and all that has been happening to el. Right now my bed seems so appealing....later!

the 'agbero' in me

WARNING!! IF YOU ARE A SHORT POST PERSON, OR YOU JUST INTEND TO SCROLL THROUGH THIS POST, I SUGGEST YOU MOVE ON ALONG TO SOMETHING ELSE.

Its your boy el here. Wots going on? Me just dey, chilling basically.You know wot, its a blessing to be able to reach out to people through this here medium and even though it takes an impulse as heavy as a tsunami to move me to my computer, when i eventually step up to the keyboard i get a full blast of blood to my nerve endings and i simply can't stop. To top it all off, i get replies in the form of comments from people so anonymous, i can't even believe! I mean, i've got friends, but you faceless people are just something else :)


Just incase you're wondering, i know you are, as the meaning of the word goes, being an 'agbero' fortunately isn't one of the experiences on my resume. But something did happen that made me take some actions reminiscence of the above named street urchin. This post is not meant to make you laugh, smile, snicker, or 'rotflmao' like my fellow blogger citizens will remark. This post is meant to solicit your sympathy and compassion for my experience was not funny. Not funny at all.

Right from the start of this particular day, things were definitely looking awry. First that morning, I had stomach upset probably from the choice of pizza I had the previous night. Then as I left the house to run some errands, I had to go back home cos I forgot my wallet and I was already about 10mins out. Thanks to Lagos traffic I hadn’t gotten far. Sheeesh!!

And so I was one pretty ticked off road user. Wasn’t my usual patient self with crossing pedestrians, intersections, and all other road intricacies. Most times I just leaned on the horn for no reason. Get the picture?

Like I said things were all going wrong. Was supposed to just drop off something and collect some money from some person at a location not too far from my place. But to my amazement, and utter annoyance, this unmarked person wasn’t where she was supposed to be. People sef, they say one thing and do another. I promptly got a call from her saying she was now in Opebi Allen, a commercial area of Lagos. OPEBI ALLEN!! That has got to be wot? Another 1hour from my present location considering traffic. I got back in my vehicle and just sat in it. Just sat in it.

By the way I was driving my sisters car, a Rav4 jeep, and a very nice looking one. But its outward look was its undoing for I had no idea what this car was about to put me through. Now I’ve got to give credit to this vehicle for its erratic behaviour that day, for without it my tale will not be what it is.

Na so I carry my big head begin drive go Opebi Allen with all the traffic on the road. When I got to a turning on that road, the engine of the car just died. Just like that. Went totally dead. Several attempts to kick it…abortive. Luckily I had parked it in an ok place before it came to a complete halt. ‘Must be the battery head or the battery itself’ I tot to my self. I decided to just leave it there and just go about my business. So I left off and after about 1 hour I returned to the vehicle, thinking how I was going to get a battery charger. But surprisingly I got into the car, stuck the car in the ignition and guess what…the crazy car just started again. Machines! One can never fully know. So I continued on my way home happy about how things turned out. But ironically things were to turn out for the worse.

I was now on Ikorodu road (a major express way in Lagos) on my way. Actually couldn’t wait to get home cos my stomach was doing a double flip. Really needed to get home! And then all the drama started.

I was caught up in a little hold up, and just when it started moving this crazy car choose now to die on me again. Abuses from every where. ‘Comot for road jo’, ‘Fine moto wey no dey work’, and many other remarks. I kicked and kicked, for where. By the way it was an automatic so pushing was going to be wahala but I had no choice.

I put am for neutral and heaved. It didn’t budge. My stomach rumbled again. Hei! I had to now really fire on all cylinders by force. Another mighty heave. HEAVE!! It started moving small small. Kai I sorry for my self. I succeeded in pushing it to the far service lane. Before I could wipe the sweat from my brows, a ‘mechanic’ came out of the wood work.

Mechanic: oga wetin happen na? Na battery??

i had no choice but to let him in. I WAS happy to let him in.

el: I no noo. The car just dey stop on im own.

Mechanic: e go be the battery head.

El: no be battery. E no dey kick at all.

Mechanic: open am make I look. Maybe the fuel filter don dey blocked.

I willingly popped the hood of the stupid car. Just as we were looking down there, another very coarse voice from behind… ( you’ll have to excuse my written Yoruba but just wanted you all to really have a feel of what was going on)

Tout: ehe, kilon shele nib ii? Wetin una dey do for my road?

We both looked up. A very dirty looking, haggardly dressed, thoroughly bleached face looked back at us, with his mouth hanging open revealing a complete set of blackish brown teeth. I had never really had any close calls with ‘area boys’ before now. So I was a bit taken aback but I kept my composure. We ignored him and got back to our deliberations.

Tout: kilonshe awon ee?? Abi una dey mad. I say wetin una dey find for my road? (mouth still hanging open!)

I decided to switch to offence mode, going by the ‘offence is the best form of defence’ saying. I lashed out with such a rich deep voice that even I never knew I had in me…

El: Abi you dey craze, eh eh (also leaving my mouth hanging open)?? Kilon…kilon…you dey mad?? (‘kilon’ meaning what is was just about the only phrase I knew very well in this dialect!!

Tout: Na me you dey ask that one (he steps up to me slowly, I was shaking in my flip flops!). You no dey look face…

I don’t know what went loose in my brain lobes to make me do what I was about to do. I shoved him hard in the chest. He lost his balance and fell. He quickly stood up. ‘I don die eh’ I thought to myself. He’s probably coming for full battle now. But he didn’t.

Tout: So you tink say you fit push me for chest (beats his chest continously), you tink say you fit push me abi? Oya commot you moto for here now now.

He then moves straight to the jeep and yanks out the bonnet hanger making the bonnet slam with a loud slam. He then flings the poor hanger that didn’t hurt anyone across the express, nearly missing a passing car! Before I knew what was happening I heard some other voices equaling the coarseness of my bonnet slamming friend. The mechanic by the way, was no where to be found now. Funny how people vanish into thin air. Talk about what i needed to do right now! VANISH!!

Let me state again here that this post is not meant to make you laugh, so please sympathize with you fellow blogger. Be in mourning mode ok. Thankyou.

Voice 1: wetin dey happen for dia, eh?

Voice 2: kilode e?

Voice 3: Who you be, who…

As I looked around, I counted at least 11 scary faces that could give a kid nightmares…that could give ME nightmares! I started thinking of what to do, and fast too before I get mobbed. I decided there was nothing else for it than to put up with my offensive play, I just needed to up it up a notch. One of them was pulling at the door handle, here we go.

El: comot you hand for that door…comot for dat front (one was tugging at the bonnet)

Voice 9: how much you carry sef (comes from behind while I’m accosting the one trying to open the door and dips his hand into my back pocket)

El: you dey…(I fling my arm around wildly and caught him on his ear)

Voice 9: I go…(presses his lips together and pushes me hard.)

Tout: na so e blow me before.

As I fell back trying to regain balance, another pushes me from behind. This thing was turning…HAD turned to something waaaay beyond my control. Like i said, this would have been a good time to vanish.

And so I was finally in the center of these street people, ready to do whatever they wanted with me, with no need to take any form of caution. ‘This is it’ I thought to myself, this is how el~correcta ended his life sojourn, and it looked so promising. All I could do was just keep turning around and around, darting my head in all directions even as this human circle closed in on me. I clenched my fists, at least I would go down fighting. Then I heard it, they all heard it.

A voice: E file, make una leave am, leave am. I SAY MAKE UNA COMOT, YOU NO DEY HEAR.

Apparently these guys, as hopeless as they all seemed, practised some form of hierarchy system that existed amongst them and this was assumingly the boss of them all speaking from where he was sitting over the culvert on a stool . Gradually but grudgingly, they all began to withdraw. And,the surprising thing was that the ‘boss’ didn’t say anything else. They just all left as if nothing had happened. As soon as I regained composure and was able to move my feet, for I realized that they wouldn’t shift from their current location at first.

I quickly went into the car, stuck the key in the ignition, turned. What? The bloody car kicked and started. Put in it ‘D’ and screeched away before some certain people changed their minds.

The car took me all the way home. My dad later called his mechanic. The car was overheating, so when it got too hot it would kill itself off and refuse to come on till it cooled down. If I was wise enough to look into the radiator, I would have discovered that. Kai, suffer suffer for ignorance!

Finally, when I look back at that day I can’t but actually laugh out loud to myself, so I guess I can permit a little 'ROTFLMAO' from you guys. Its good to be back to blogger. Holla!!